Dealing with questionable friends
All parents want their teenager to have good friends. There is just one problem. Your teenager will choose her own friends and attacking or criticizing her choice in friends will get you nowhere. Just think about it, what will your reaction be if someone criticised you about the friends you have? You need to understand that to choose a friend is something very personal for a teenager. They choose the person because they want to be with that person. If you now try to “separate” the two of them your teenager will feel she has to defend her choice and fight for the friendship. This includes becoming defensive and argumentative which prevents her from objectively hearing what you are saying.
The solution lies in teaching your teenager how to choose good friends. This requires only two tings. The one is to let her find her true value and to make her aware of the difference between good and bad friends. There is a saying, “Convince your teenager that she is a goldmine and she will not dig for dirt”. Once she feels good about herself she will not easily make friends with people that will drag her down. All if she knows the characteristics of questionable friends she will know what to look out for.
This may take some time to achieve so here are some tips on how to deal with the “bad friend” issue in the meantime:
- Stay polite. While it will be easy to be friendly with good friends this may not be easy with bad friends, yet it is important that you stay polite. Let them know you do not fully trust them and expect them to stay in line;
- Play the psychological game. Instead of criticising the friends rather tell your teenager that you know he / she can do better and is worth more. The aim is not just to use the words, but to get your teenager to realise that he / she has potential and to begin living towards achieving this potential;
- Create opportunities to meet good friends (e.g. a new sport, camps, community activities sand church groups). By exposing your teenager to things he / she likes, the influence of good or better friends and feeling good about him- / herself can lead to cutting out or scaling down those things that does not fit in with these experiences;
- Create awareness. Remember that teenagers are still learning about relationships and friendships. This is why they may move in and out of groups and have a friend today and ten new ones tomorrow. This is good as it shows your teenager what he / she feels comfortable with and it gives you the opportunity to influence your teenager’s thinking by planting the necessary ideas. Subtle questions like “Do you think a good friend will steal your date” or “Will you tempt your best friend to have unprotected sex” all address important issues without making direct comments about the friends of your teenager;
- Compromise. Set up a protocol for friends. You may for example not say anything about how they dress or how they behave, but in return your teenager must agree to stay away from friends that use drugs or excuse him- / herself if they want to use it. Or you will accept it not to meet the friends but in return your teenager must guarantee that you will know where they go when going out, the names of the friends or contact details of their parents. (See the article “How to stay safe at a party” at www.lifecomplete.co.za);
- Set up rules with consequences. You can specify what kind of friends will be unacceptable (e.g. those that drink, use drugs or be sexually active). The rule can be that if you catch your teenager having such friends there will be severe consequences. This can include being grounded for a few months, loss or reduction in pocket money or privileges, to be put in another school or to move to another neighbourhood. (When using this approach the chances are good that your teenager will go underground and hide or lie about having such friends); and
- Share your feelings and concerns with your teenager. Statements like “I am worried about what is happening to you. You are changing. You talk bad and act rebellious. (Not saying it is because of the friends.) Why is this happening?”, “I love you so much. It hurts me to see that your behaviour has changed so much. Are what your friends want so much more important than how I feel?” or “You are no longer the happy and friendly young woman we know. You have lost that sparkle and joyfulness” (use one or more qualities your teen used to have or have less of now) will indirectly force your teenager to see him- / herself through your eyes. It will give your teenager the opportunity to react and fix things without it having to be done right now. If not you will have a legitimate excuse to intervene. “I did tell you how I feel and you did nothing which means you have now forced me to intervene”.
It is natural for any parent to feel the need to keep their teenagers from getting hurt. You may just have to think about wanting to intervene all the time. Yes you must intervene if you suspect dangerous stuff like alcohol and drug abuse but experiencing the pain of a disloyal friend or a friend that talks about you behind your back is worth more than all the speeches you can give about such friends. In fact, if you have made your teenager aware of the characteristics of bad friends and she experiences this “bad behaviour” the message about choosing your friends carefully will get through. The only thing that remains to do when she gets hurt like this is to drop the, “I told you so speech” and to give her hope in people by give her a warm and loving hug.