Arguing with your boy- / girlfriend is never pleasant, yet it happens. Here are some tips on how to make it less painful:
- Do not become personal (e.g. stay away from personal or nasty remarks about the person like “You’re such a loser” or “You’re acting like a real bitch”).
- Use “I” statements (e.g. instead of saying “You hurt me” or “You are a liar” you can say “I feel hurt” or “I am not convinced that what you said is the truth”).
- Stick to the facts. This means looking at all the sides of the story before you jump to conclusions.
- Walk away to go and cool off if you become emotional.
- Address the issue and not the person (e.g. instead of “You can never do anything right” or “You embarrassed me” rather say “How can we fix this” or “I will appreciate it if you do not do XYZ as it makes me feel uncomfortable”).
- Identify what you really disagree about. Focus on that and don’t become side-track by other issues because then you may end up arguing about ten things at the same time or ending up no longer knowing what you’re arguing about.
- Avoid an “I win, you lose” approach. Instead look at how you can work together to find a compromise or solution.
- Stay away from “I am right and you’re wrong.” Rather focus on “what’s best” to the most “right” for both of you.
- Let your partner know exactly what you feel, meaning do not say more than what is necessary and do not play word, mind or emotional games. Instead use the correct words to describe what you feel and focus only on that.
